A fine way to start the evening as I cycled home from Farringdon along Fentiman Road on Tuesday evening. The SW8 street has recently had some calming measures installed. This all means nothing to me; I'm as calm as a cycling cucumber as I slowly make my way along Fentiman, and wearing the green lycra, I'm halfway to looking like a cucumber as well.
Calm down! Calm down! etc.
Which is exactly what a Royal Mail driver and a Foxton's estate agent knobber weren't doing as they eyeballed each other from behind their Petrol Head compartments.
Apparently there's supposed to be a Gentleman's agreement as you approach a calming measure that will only allow one vehicle to pass. My knob'scar's bigger than yours, etc, and so the two rutting stags settled in for the duration, neither of them prepared to give the other the right of way.
Two things you need to know:
(i) The majority of Postie van drivers around these parts drive like pricks. Probably something to do with strict time bonuses and wanting to get home in time for Big Brother.
(ii) Foxton employees are pricks. It's part of the job description.
After comparing the loudness of each other's car horns, a game of Insult Each Other with Profanities Until Stalemate is Achieved followed. It's not a great deal of fun to be honest. I gave up after about a minute and simply cycled through the gap by the calming measure.
Cool as a cucumber etc.
I reached The Oval end of Fentiman, looked back, only to see car doors being slammed as the two chaps decided to resolve their roadside disagreement by lamping one another.
Calm down! Clam down! etc. Just like a pencil with no lead, it was all rather... pointless.
Meanwhile I was back at base in time for the start of Le Tour highlights, ever the smug cyclist.