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Crap Match Report
London Towers 99 Milton Keynes Lions 79, 30/10/04
The heat was on at the Crystal Palace Sauna on Saturday. My ears were burning which could only mean one of three things:
* Coach Peers was on the look out for new talent. Dream on.
* The Towers Dancers were on the look out for new talent. Double dream on.
* I'm an unfit lard arse whose pale limey complexion can't take the heat.
Hoping to set an example, I came close to watching the game topless. But my followers were few and far between, apart from the equally lard arse lady sitting nearby.
Strange lot these basketball players. Superstition plays as much a part as the ability to bounce a ball between another man's legs and still be brave enough to catch it on the other side. As the Towers left the court one by one after the warm-up, the six foot fellas attempted to sink one from the halfway line as part of a good luck routine. Much like my efforts with the Dancers, the attempts were all wide of the mark.
Being on time for once and I was treated to the Towers aerobic workout before tip off. Some men may dream of seeing Milton Keynes' Shawn Jamison in a leopard leotard but thankfully the Lions didn't follow the Towers lead.
Roddy Brown forced a full court press early on with Towers happy to press hard in defence and hit Lions on the break.
I was all set to take legal advice as the Towers Dancers took to the court for the first time and Neil the DJ claimed:
'Five of the girls have been laid ahead of tip off.'
He meant MISS-laid of course.
A three pointer right on the first quarter buzzer set up a 31-22 score line in favour of the Towers.
The home team came out hungry with Lynard Stewart making a steal and dunking straight from the tip off. Another routine from the Dancers minus the five miss-layers soon followed. To lose one Dancer would be unfortunate; to lose two would be careless; but to lose FIVE? I think I’ve lost the will to live.
Milton Keynes cut the lead to within six points. A great free flowing team move from the Towers then followed with Sam Betts dunking in style leaving a 48-40 advantage to the home team at half time.
With still no sign of the Famous Five missing Dancers, the third quarter tipped off. Surely there is a BBL regulation outlawing this? Travelling…? Despite Towers controlling the play, the game was still too close to call. Milton Keynes gambled with some hit and miss three pointers whilst Towers played safe sinking for two. A Jerry Williams hustle ended with his foe being floored, a move I was hoping to repeat on the dancefloor later.
Lions Lionel Ritchie look-alike Thomas Gillespie was looking like he couldn't go All Night Long, let alone Dancing on the Ceiling. Willimas turned Gillespie over once, twice, three times. The big lady.
Coach Peers meanwhile looked on from the bench all collars and cuffs, suited and booted for the evening. There was nothing formal though about the bollocking he gave the referee who made some strange calls in the third quarter.
A later quarter burst set up a 73-55 ball game come the buzzer.
Williams attempted a spectacular dunk at the start of the fourth quarter that went about as wayward as the lost dancers. But by now it was all too late for the Lions. The Towers forward 'did a Beckham' and fouled himself out of the game with thirty seconds remaining on the clock. But with a personal point tally of thirty, that's good going fella.
Sitting on the bench Williams had the best view as the Towers ended up with a 99-70 victory.
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whats bev - uk basketball forums
| Sunday 31 October, 2004 |
London Towers 99 Milton Keynes Lions 79, 30/10/04
The heat was on at the Crystal Palace Sauna on Saturday. My ears were burning which could only mean one of three things:
* Coach Peers was on the look out for new talent. Dream on.
* The Towers Dancers were on the look out for new talent. Double dream on.
* I'm an unfit lard arse whose pale limey complexion can't take the heat.
Hoping to set an example, I came close to watching the game topless. But my followers were few and far between, apart from the equally lard arse lady sitting nearby.
 Five of the girls have been laid |
Being on time for once and I was treated to the Towers aerobic workout before tip off. Some men may dream of seeing Milton Keynes' Shawn Jamison in a leopard leotard but thankfully the Lions didn't follow the Towers lead.
Roddy Brown forced a full court press early on with Towers happy to press hard in defence and hit Lions on the break.
I was all set to take legal advice as the Towers Dancers took to the court for the first time and Neil the DJ claimed:
'Five of the girls have been laid ahead of tip off.'
He meant MISS-laid of course.
A three pointer right on the first quarter buzzer set up a 31-22 score line in favour of the Towers.
The home team came out hungry with Lynard Stewart making a steal and dunking straight from the tip off. Another routine from the Dancers minus the five miss-layers soon followed. To lose one Dancer would be unfortunate; to lose two would be careless; but to lose FIVE? I think I’ve lost the will to live.
Milton Keynes cut the lead to within six points. A great free flowing team move from the Towers then followed with Sam Betts dunking in style leaving a 48-40 advantage to the home team at half time.
With still no sign of the Famous Five missing Dancers, the third quarter tipped off. Surely there is a BBL regulation outlawing this? Travelling…? Despite Towers controlling the play, the game was still too close to call. Milton Keynes gambled with some hit and miss three pointers whilst Towers played safe sinking for two. A Jerry Williams hustle ended with his foe being floored, a move I was hoping to repeat on the dancefloor later.
Lions Lionel Ritchie look-alike Thomas Gillespie was looking like he couldn't go All Night Long, let alone Dancing on the Ceiling. Willimas turned Gillespie over once, twice, three times. The big lady.
Coach Peers meanwhile looked on from the bench all collars and cuffs, suited and booted for the evening. There was nothing formal though about the bollocking he gave the referee who made some strange calls in the third quarter.
A later quarter burst set up a 73-55 ball game come the buzzer.
Williams attempted a spectacular dunk at the start of the fourth quarter that went about as wayward as the lost dancers. But by now it was all too late for the Lions. The Towers forward 'did a Beckham' and fouled himself out of the game with thirty seconds remaining on the clock. But with a personal point tally of thirty, that's good going fella.
Sitting on the bench Williams had the best view as the Towers ended up with a 99-70 victory.
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Crap Picture Gallery (click on thumbs to see large image)
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crap match report compendium
london towers official
towers dancers
whats bev - uk basketball forums
| #permalink |
Crap Match Report
Dulwich Hamlet 3 Newport Isle of Wight 3, 30/10/04
This was Hamlet’s first home fixture on a Saturday for seven weeks; scheduling that has more to do with various cup runs and cancellations than being the stars of Sky Sports Super Sunday.
The first words I heard as I entered Champion Hill were: 'Well done Lee Akers!' as Dulwich's Mr Dependable cleared up another mess at the back. Akers was playing his 500th game in the proud pink 'n blue; a fantastic achievement but 500 headers doesn't do much for your hair.
The next words were from the equally reliable Voice of Champion Hill announcing: 'And the first goal for Dulwich scored by Dave Richards in the eighth minute.' Having made the trip across the water, Newport soon found their sea legs, catching Dulwich all at sea with a looping cross leading to an equaliser minutes later.
Akers age may be casting a long shadow but that was nothing compared to the wide shadow being cast by Pete Garland in the autumn sun. Some might say a shadow of his former self but Garland still controls the game in midfield.
With a young ruffian bouncing a rugby ball along the touchline, the Rugger Bugger had the right idea as both teams on the pitch booted the ball from one box to the other. It was hard to gauge if this was a competitive game between two teams both defying their bottom of the league status, or if they were both simply as crap as each other. An entertaining and even contest all the same.
A wonderful half time burst from the Voice of Champion Hill and his ever growing CD collection. When was the last time we heard from a self-centred, egotistical spoilt little shit down at Champion Hill? Not John Beasley but The Vines blasting out at the break and waking up all the old coffin dodgers lined along the Wall of Death.
With Dulwich looking for a win to lift them up the table, it was a case of any (New) port in a storm. Which was much the case with the female away fans as well. Both teams needed a rocket up the arse. In the absence of Beasley, the local yoofs delivered a succession of fireworks throughout the second half.
Sebastian Schoburgh threatened down the wing for Dulwich and Garland even backtracked to help out at the back. In the 63rd minute Garland delivered a free kick with the perfect pace for Charley Side to force home. The midfielder's reward was to be subbed off for Francis Quarm. A fine display from the Dulwich #8 though, and remember this: Hamlet had the lead when Pete left the pitch...
Wearing the Captain's armband, Akers stepped up a gear with a bold bicycle kick but Newport continued to look dangerous on the break. In the 86th minute Dulwich went 3-1 ahead following good work down the wing with a tap in for *rather sharp tricky looking player whose name I didn't catch despite the helpful Voice of Champion Hill spelling it out phonetically – it's a Crap Match Report, innit?*
Coasting. As Newport should have been back to the Isle of Wight. But then the away team made a monkey of Danny Harwood in goal for Dulwich a minute later with a lacklustre shot being fumbled into the back of the net. Three minutes later and a cock up on the edge of the area and Harwood's unfinished monkey business had him auditioning for Planet of the Apes.
Calling organ grinder Seuke, organ grinder Seuke...
Crap Picture Gallery (click on thumbs to see large image)
crap match report compendium
hamletweb
| Sunday 31 October, 2004 |
Dulwich Hamlet 3 Newport Isle of Wight 3, 30/10/04
This was Hamlet’s first home fixture on a Saturday for seven weeks; scheduling that has more to do with various cup runs and cancellations than being the stars of Sky Sports Super Sunday.
The first words I heard as I entered Champion Hill were: 'Well done Lee Akers!' as Dulwich's Mr Dependable cleared up another mess at the back. Akers was playing his 500th game in the proud pink 'n blue; a fantastic achievement but 500 headers doesn't do much for your hair.
The next words were from the equally reliable Voice of Champion Hill announcing: 'And the first goal for Dulwich scored by Dave Richards in the eighth minute.' Having made the trip across the water, Newport soon found their sea legs, catching Dulwich all at sea with a looping cross leading to an equaliser minutes later.
Well played Lee Akers! |
With a young ruffian bouncing a rugby ball along the touchline, the Rugger Bugger had the right idea as both teams on the pitch booted the ball from one box to the other. It was hard to gauge if this was a competitive game between two teams both defying their bottom of the league status, or if they were both simply as crap as each other. An entertaining and even contest all the same.
A wonderful half time burst from the Voice of Champion Hill and his ever growing CD collection. When was the last time we heard from a self-centred, egotistical spoilt little shit down at Champion Hill? Not John Beasley but The Vines blasting out at the break and waking up all the old coffin dodgers lined along the Wall of Death.
With Dulwich looking for a win to lift them up the table, it was a case of any (New) port in a storm. Which was much the case with the female away fans as well. Both teams needed a rocket up the arse. In the absence of Beasley, the local yoofs delivered a succession of fireworks throughout the second half.
Sebastian Schoburgh threatened down the wing for Dulwich and Garland even backtracked to help out at the back. In the 63rd minute Garland delivered a free kick with the perfect pace for Charley Side to force home. The midfielder's reward was to be subbed off for Francis Quarm. A fine display from the Dulwich #8 though, and remember this: Hamlet had the lead when Pete left the pitch...
Wearing the Captain's armband, Akers stepped up a gear with a bold bicycle kick but Newport continued to look dangerous on the break. In the 86th minute Dulwich went 3-1 ahead following good work down the wing with a tap in for *rather sharp tricky looking player whose name I didn't catch despite the helpful Voice of Champion Hill spelling it out phonetically – it's a Crap Match Report, innit?*
Coasting. As Newport should have been back to the Isle of Wight. But then the away team made a monkey of Danny Harwood in goal for Dulwich a minute later with a lacklustre shot being fumbled into the back of the net. Three minutes later and a cock up on the edge of the area and Harwood's unfinished monkey business had him auditioning for Planet of the Apes.
Calling organ grinder Seuke, organ grinder Seuke...
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Crap Picture Gallery (click on thumbs to see large image)
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crap match report compendium
hamletweb
| #permalink |
